Dear Reader,
A few months ago I shared a column about how I had been a frustrated flute player, because I had really wanted to play drums. Although I haven’t set up a drum set in my living room just yet (Christmas is coming, I drop some hints to my family), thinking about those years playing the flute, brought back some other memories…
I used to play the flute, but I always felt like I was pretending because I wasn't very good at it.
Some days I could barely drag myself into the band practice room because I was afraid I would finally be exposed. I knew deep inside that I would never be good at playing the flute. I was always in a state of dread, and I constantly worried, ‘Would today be the day other people would realize it, too?’ Would today be the day?
When it finally happened, I was second chair and I was informed that now I would sit third chair, I was devastated. This was a small town of only 2,000 people, so second chair didn't really hold the prestige you would think, because there were only four of us who played the flute. And truth be told, I had only been second chair, because I had been playing longer in the band than the two people sitting behind me. But they quickly caught up and surpassed me, and in no time I was sitting at the end of the line--in the fourth chair.
I did practice, but in spurts. I'd pump myself up thinking, "You can do it, Suzanne, if you just put more effort into it." I'd burn in, recommitting myself. But it just never flowed. I was so tense when I practiced that the top joint in my fingers would cramp and stay in a bent over position, even after I'd put down the flute. Plus, there was always an airy sound when I played and I just never found a way to make the necessary correction.
Thinking about it now, it seems crazy that I just didn't go to my parents and tell them that I wanted to quit. But they had bought me an expensive flute and I knew I'd be hearing things like, "Nevertheless, we bought the flute and now you're going to play it." So I never did tell them.
I think one of the worst things about continuing to be moved back was that no one mentioned a word about it to me, other than the band director when he casually told me that I'd be sitting in a different chair from now on. Everyone was acting like nothing had happened, but how could such a 'non-event' make me feel so ashamed and embarrassed?
Maybe my parents and other people thought they were doing me a favor by not mentioning it. After all it was just a high school band and I was just a teenager, but I felt like the whole world was watching and I had let them down.
* That leftover Halloween candy won't last forever, so be sure to enter the November Chocolate Chip Cookie Giveaway. I love to bake, and even more, I love to give away cookies. I'm ready to bake, are you ready to "dunk" and munch? http://www.emailbookclub.com/photo/Cookie-Contest-2022.html
Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.
Suzanne Beecher
Suzanne@DearReader.com
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