Dear Reader,
Congratulations to Victoria Stuppy, this year’s Second Place winner, in my annual Write a Dear Reader Contest.
Reading Victoria’s story brought me to tears, and reminded me, “When the writer cries, the reader cries.” It’s a lovely piece and yes, I was in tears.
I Will Survive
When my mother was 60 my father left her. She was understandably devastated, heart ripped apart, wondering how she would rebuild her life at this late stage. It’s odd to me now to think about that. I, too, worried about her ‘advanced age’ and her future. I happen to be that age now. Funny how perspective changes.
I remember many dark days, but I also remember that she got up every morning, went to work and just got through it, all the while rebuilding her finances since my father left her with two mortgages and bill collectors calling day and night. She was angry, scared and worried, most days all three at once, but she would often crank up her stereo and play Gloria Gaynor’s anthemic disco ballad, ‘I Will Survive.’ Sometimes on endless loop until she had danced out every emotion and felt too spent to muster anything else.
This was a lesson to me at 30, how a resilient woman finds a way to weather life’s storms, a memory that always brought both sadness and joy over the years, but when faced with my own life-changing circumstances this summer, I forgot all about it.
In June our daughter and her fiancé were involved in a horrible accident while vacationing in Spain, just two days after announcing their engagement. Their reckless and distracted driver flipped the car they were riding in and our beautiful girl, in the prime of her life, became a quadriplegic in a split second. The hours and weeks that followed were the most horrific we have ever known. I could write 10 essays just on those days alone.
Then only a few weeks later, my beloved Mother, the woman who’d valiantly fought leukemia for 20 months, lost her battle. My sister and I were there at her bedside for her last days. Don’t let them tell you otherwise, there is no way to prepare, there are no days you wish you couldn’t get back, there are no platitudes that can make the physical pain of grief subside.
But life wasn’t done handing out pain yet. In early August, my mother-in-law, one of the healthiest, strongest women I have known died in her sleep. She’d come down with pneumonia in early April and had never quite recuperated, spending the last months of her life in and out of hospitals and rehab facilities, but it was a shock all the same. We had just returned from my Mother’s memorial in Florida, we hadn’t made it back to California yet. She died alone and there is nothing that will heal that regret and longing.
When this contest was originally announced, I wrote down some of the idea starters offered. As I look back at it now, I have to smile, one of them was what I did this summer. Does grieving count as an activity? What about screaming into a void? Or ranting at the universe?
Yet, just as my mother taught me, I get up every morning and face the day. Most days those are the hardest minutes I face, how will I get through today? How will I be there for those that need me when I can barely hold my heart together? How do I suit up for the day when the armor I usually wear no longer protects me?
And then I sat in front of a blank page today because Suzanne gave us another chance and damn it, isn’t that the universe saying write something down? Anything. And the memory of my mother dancing to that song came rushing back and reminded me that this is survivable. I will not be overcome by this tsunami of sadness and our family will put the pieces back together.
One day.
I’m not ready to dance just yet, but I will survive. My mother taught me that.
– Victoria Stuppy, Second Place, 2022 Write a DearReader Contest
Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.
Suzanne Beecher
[email protected]
* This month's Penguin Classics is Metamorphosis by Ovid, a sensuous and witty poem in an accessible translation by David Raeburn. I have a copy of the book to share with a lucky reader, so start reading and enter for your chance to win.
Comments