Dear Reader,
(A note from Suzanne… I finally was able to have my gallbladder surgery. I’m on the mend this week, so I’m sharing some of my favorite funny columns. Laughter is the best medicine!)
I tried to write a normal column today about something going on in my world, but instead, I kept coming back to this topic--blowing my nose.
Mother said I should always tell the truth and perhaps today is one of those times when a little white lie would make for more respectable reading material. But I was sick for over two weeks with a horrible virus and truthfully, blowing my nose is still one of the major activities in my day. There's an art to it. I've become an expert and I feel a responsibility to pass on the things I've learned to others. Mother taught me to share, too.
Okay, so some readers are ready to hit the delete key, figuring I'm still ravaged with fever, sick, and out-of-my-mind. Others are flush with embarrassment, imagining the details I'd need to use to describe such a personal, possibly disgusting topic and some readers--are this very minute--looking around to see if anyone is reading over their shoulder--they're embarrassed--but intrigued.
It started out with a sniffle, a dainty event--my Grandmother's lace hankie would have sufficed. But mid-way through the virus, I had to pull out the big artillery; a man-sized tissue in one hand and the other hand firmly braced against a wall, a car, or the person next to me--whatever was handy at the moment. Because my nose blowing had now reached wind speeds high enough to be classified as a Category One Hurricane, according to the Saffir-Simpson Scale.
Beauford (every hurricane has a name) was scary. The noise was deafening, long and loud hair-raising honks, grab another tissue, and come up for air. It was never ending. How could anyone produce such great quantities? A big blow from Beauford and my three cats and even my husband hid under the bed. When I ventured out to stock up on supplies, children screamed and ran from me in horror, but nevertheless, I needed to be prepared.
Getting ready to tackle Beauford was a lot like getting ready for hurricane season here in Florida. The two have things in common.
SUZANNE'S HURRICANE BEAUFORD CHECKLIST
* Stock up on tissue and chicken soup (I'm not kidding, my doctor wrote on his prescription pad the name of a restaurant that had great take-out chicken soup with matzo-balls).
* Blow out gentle puffs, but cover your windows with sturdy 5/8 inch thick sheets of plywood, so you're ready if the big one comes.
* Keep your mouth slightly open when it's time for the big blow to prevent damage to your ear drums, and store loose items so they won't blow away.
* Secure valuables and remove your jewelry to avoidpossible damage and injury.
* Take a deep breath (through your mouth) before you blow your nose, so you don't black out.
* Put important documents in waterproof containers.
* Use tissues--not washable handkerchiefs--and have plenty of big, sturdy, trash bags to haul away the man-sized debris.
* Have hand tools ready for after the "storm;" screwdrivers, a shovel and a pickaxe to loosen any tough clogs.
* When you hear the all clear siren, it's time to clean up--wipe your nose to make sure nothing else is hanging around.
Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.
Suzanne Beecher
[email protected]
Comments