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Dear Reader,
Take a second and smile right now. Today's column is filled with jokes that readers sent in during "Funnies at the Book Club" last week.
Smiling is a way to loosen up and get rid of any judgement: that joke's not funny, it's stupid, "...that couldn't ever really happen" as one reader wrote in--and they were right--come on--it's a joke!
Of course I've included chicken jokes, and Florida jokes (since I live in Sarasota, Florida.) Have fun reading the funnies, at least one or two is bound to make you grin, smile, or maybe even laugh out loud.
Thank you to everyone who submitted a joke and congratulations to the winners of my daily drawings:
Monday - Praying Mantis Puppet: Deborah R.
Tuesday - Grump Books: Claire B.
Wednesday - Nose Pencil Sharpener: Judy T.
Thursday - Shadow Puppet Book: Jennifer G.
Friday - Where's My Stuff Stands: Mair K.
Monday - Measuring Spoons: Patty J.
Enjoy the funnies...
We have a squirrel problem in our neighborhood. My husband noticed there were no squirrels in the yards of our local churches.
My husband asked the Catholic Priest what they did. He said they Baptized them, so now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
He asked what the Presbyterian minister did. He said they flooded their yard.
My husband asked the Jewish Rabbi what he did, he said they circumcised the male squirrels. They haven't seen a squirrel since!
--Leslie R.
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How do you recognize Ronald McDonald at a nudist colony? He is the one with the sesame seed buns!--Regina A.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.--Nancy S.
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Two very old women were in a car going to town. When they were stopped at a red light, the passenger said, "Do you realize that you went through three red lights?"
The driver replied, "Oh, am I driving?"
--Carol H. (a Floridian)
What do you get when you cross a preying mantis with a termite?
A bug that says grace before eating your house!
--Melissa K.(a Floridian)
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A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. A Dalmatian dog sat in the front seat. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep the crowds back" said one.
"No," said another, "He's just there for good luck."
The third child brought the argument to a close, "They use him," he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"--Rowshan D.
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Why did the duck cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.--Marty B.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the bottom of the chicken's foot.--Linda J.
Why are New Yorkers depressed?
Because they realize the "light at end of the tunnel" is New Jersey.--Anita G.
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."--Mark Twain
--Kathy M.
What did one math book say to the other math book?
"Do you want to hear my problems?--Lauren G.
Have you heard the joke about the ceiling?
Forget it, it's over your head.--Neale F.
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great.--Claire B.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,
94% are too lazy to actually read that number.--Shannon J.
Why couldn't the pilgrim keep his pants on?
Because he wore his belt on his hat.--Kandace B.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs!--Jo B.
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Feeling that I'd had a very productive day, I called my mother to brag. "What's it like having an awesome daughter?" I asked her.
"I don't know," she replied. "Why don't you ask your grandmother?"--Judy T.
And finally, an age old joke that always makes me smile...
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."--Todd G.
And as Porky Pig says..."Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The, Th-Th... That's all, folks!"
Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.
Suzanne Beecher
Suzanne@DearReader.com
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