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Muffins and Mayhem, Recipes for a Happy (if disorderly) Life
AUTHORBUZZ: Discover new books, "meet" the authors and enter to win: Goto: http://authorbuzz.com/dearreader
Dear Reader,
No one teaches you the correct posture and as far as I know there isn't an instruction manual that prepares you ahead of time for the event. It just happens. You're on your own and you have to roll with it, or in this case, go with the flow.
My stomach had been doing a dance for over an hour; one-step, two-step, pivot and get ready for the big...slide. It was that looming slide that was making me nervous. So I decided to try Mom's prescription for anything that ailed me when I was a kid. "Ignore it, or walk it off Suzanne, because you're going to school!"
I tried my best for an hour to ignore it, which didn't work, so I headed for the dock. The plan was to walk down by the water, sit in the sun a few minutes, take some relaxing deep breaths and then maybe my stomach would relax, too. But only two blocks away from my house, I did an abrupt about face, "Hurry, hurry, Suzanne, just put one foot in front of the other and you'll make it back home...hopefully in time!"
Is there an art to throwing up? Yes, I realize there are other word choices, but the Thesaurus offered: disgorge, heave, spew, and retch, which didn't really seem to properly describe the experience. After all, you are throwing (something) heave, ho, and it is coming up, (and sometimes out the other end, too,) but that's another column for another day.
I suppose the truth is it doesn't require any real talent to throw up, but it does take a bit of talent to throw up on everything you're wearing, shirt, shorts, even your shoes, the bathroom rug, and the surrounding floor. What a mess! It had been years, who knew you needed to practice? I thought throwing up was kind of like riding a bike.
Standing in the midst of the mess, I could have been delirious, but I swear I heard a bell. Round two! But there was no time for the corner man to fix me up, "Keep your left up Suzanne. Brace yourself on the top of the toilet tank and while you're at it, grab hold of those loose strands of hair hanging down. They're getting in your line of fire."
A person really ought to get more advanced warning for this sort of life event. I didn't even have time to change. I take pride in my appearance and if somebody would have given me at least a five minute warning bell, I could have pulled up a chair, strategically positioned myself in front of the porcelain opponent, pulled my hair back with a headband and changed into an old wash-and-wear, yet fashionable T-shirt and matching shorts.
Mother also said, "Practice makes perfect Suzanne." But I think I'd rather practice the piano instead.
Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.
Suzanne Beecher
[email protected]
www.muffinsandmayhem.com
* This month's Penguin Classics book is THE MARTYRED by Richard E. Kim. Start reading now and enter to win a Penguin totebag. Go to: http://tinyurl.com/January12Classics
AUTHORBUZZ: Meet John Lescroart author of THE HUNTER (Thriller)
Raised by loving adopted parents, San Francisco private investigator Wyatt Hunt never had an interest in finding his birth family--until he gets a chilling text message from an unknown number: "How did your mother die?"
The answer is murder and Hunt takes on a case he never knew existed, one that has lain unsolved for decades. His family's dark past unfurls in dead ends. Child Protective Services, who suspected but could never prove that Hunt was being neglected, is uninformed; his birth father, twice tried but never convicted of the murder, is in hiding; Evie, his mother's drug-addicted religious fanatic of a friend, is untraceable. And who is the texter, and how are they connected to Hunt?
Go to: http://authorbuzz.com/dearreader Click on THE HUNTER to read more. Author John Lescroart really would love to hear from you.
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