Dear Reader Column 02-20-08

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Dear Reader,

*Suzanne is in New York City today. This is one of her favorite columns.

Why do I "feel the need?" I don't know. Personally I think I'm just a bit strange, but people tell me it's a Midwestern thing. Yes I live in Florida, but I'm a Madison, Wisconsin transplant--who grew up in Cuba City, Wisconsin. (My mother would never forgive me if I didn't plug her hometown.)

It's bizarre, but I seem to feel the need to tack a complete confession on the back end of almost every yes-and-no I pronounce. When you ask this original Wisconsin gal, "Can you meet me at four o'clock tomorrow?" Instead of merely replying, "Four o'clock won't work for me, how about two instead?" I get this itchin' need to venture on with the in-depth details about 'why' I can't meet you at four o'clock.

This bizarre behavior has created some near-miss embarrassing situations. Like the other day--thank heavens I caught myself before I said the words--but I almost told someone, "Sorry, I can't meet you at four because I'm getting a bikini wax."

I literally had to bite my tongue while I processed other possible excuses through my mind. For some reason, I couldn't put the thing to rest until I'd offered up some sort of explanation. I mean really, where and who did I get this strange behavior from?

Feeling the need to deliver chapter and verse...oh how I wish it were merely a 24-hour virus. But then again, I'll probably never run out of column material.

Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.

Suzanne Beecher
Suzanne@DearReader.com 
http://www.DearReader.com

Comments

[nina morzenti]

Hi Suzanne,
Thank God for small hard-wired favors: to feel the need. I tend to say/write explanantions that others feel take too much time (to listen or read) and are not necessary. So I try to edit or cover 'just the facts m'am'. Sometimes it doesn't make much difference which precaution I take: the detailed version that I'm more comfortable with or the shorter version that leaves it open to (mis)interpretation that they are more comfortable with.
A topic that in one situation required an explicit explanation with a new sister-in-law and in another situation a carefully referenced comment with my nephew has both of them blaming me for explaining too much and too little. In each case I could not avoid the topic and handled it appropriately. They will not repeat their conversation to me so I can determine what triggered their misunderstanding. They prefer to believe their own versions. It's very strange, but feeling the need may protect you from such a development. Your reason reduces their need to make up a reason for your declining an invitation. Create a script and a log to keep track of explanations if you must make one up. Blessed are they who feel the need, for their needs shall be met.

[Nina]

Hmmm, Why were you embarrassed to explain your bikini wax to one particular person but not to all of your Dear Readers:)) And if you had simply said, 'How 'bout 2 instead of 4?' You'd've prob'ly had to explain at 3:30 why you had to leave for your 4 o'clock app't... unless they, too, must leave for a 4 o'clock with or without explanation. Sometimes scanning your appt calendar while suggesting another time fills in any awkward gap you may feel to explain why. Do you also feel the need for an explanation from someone changing a meeting time you have suggested? A reason moves your change/decline from the control to the courtesy column of the agreement. I think many of us have your tendency... but some feel it reveals the status of their busy schedule. Find a non-committal reason you're comfortable with and condition yourself to use it so you aren't always deciding if the specific reason is appropriate. It's something we all might benefit from....thanks for bringing it up.