Dear Reader Column 09-21-07

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Dear Reader,

Today's column is written by my friend, author Jessica Keener. My husband and I are on vacation in the Smoky Mountains. Jessica has always been a "cheerleader" for the book clubs, in fact, last January she wrote an article about the book clubs for O, The Oprah Magazine.

Jessica's just finished her second book, Others Less Fortunate and she's graciously letting us take a sneak peek at her manuscript today. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. To sample Others Less Fortunate go to: http://tinyurl.com/yv4yy8 What do you think? Do you want to keep reading? I'll forward your mail on to Jessica. We'd love to hear your feedback and she's promised to answer all of her mail.

Email your comments to: [email protected]

Thanks for helping me out while I'm on vacation, Jessica.-- Suzanne Beecher

Dear Reader,

Thinking about Suzanne en route to the mountains, I have a confession to make about long, summer road trips. I love them but--

One challenge I have is figuring out where to stop along the way for gas and food and, at the same time, land a decent bathroom that has toilet paper--even better, one that provides special tissue paper for covering toilet seats. Come across one like that and I know I've arrived in pit stop heaven.

Sort of.

As most of us have seen (my husband tells me that some men's bathrooms have them too), these tissue dispensers hang on the wall behind the toilet. When I see one, I tell myself: this place cares about hygiene.

Feeling good about life, I pull the tissue out of the dispenser. But I've pulled too hard and it rips apart. I try again; tugging with what I hope will be the right combination of finger force and agility.

This second time it comes out whole but folded like origami.I gently open it. That's when my next challenge comes into play.

Unfolded, the tissue is shaped like a horseshoe with a tongue hanging between the two horseshoe ends. It's also weightless--light as the breeze gusting out of the ceiling vent above the toilet. So light, in fact, the air current and the tissue become one, and just as I've unzipped and am about to sit down to do my business, it flies off the toilet seat onto the floor.

By now I really have to go to the bathroom. I yank on toilet-seat-cover-number-three. No surprise: I've torn it, but this time I don't care. I wrestle it open, plaster it over the seat and keep it pinned down with my hand. Except the tissue's tongue slips into the toilet water. The now sopping and heavier tongue drags the rest of the horseshoe into the bowl. Tissue number three is a goner.

Gotta go, folks. It's why we stopped in the first place. So I resort to what my mother taught me, when I was three, about dealing with sanitation in public bathrooms. I unfurl ribbons of toilet paper from the roll, place them on the toilet seat, and go.

Works every time.

Here's hoping Suzanne finds some heavenly pit stops of her own on her way to and from the mountains.

Jessica Keener

Jessica Keener is a regular contributor to The Boston Globe, a fiction editor at Agni magazine, and co-host of the website, Backstory. Her articles have appeared in O, The Oprah Magazine, Poets & Writers, Fine Gardening and other national publications. Her short stories have been nominated for The Pushcart Prize and won awards such as Redbook's second prize. She lives in Boston with her husband and teenage son.

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Comments

[John Elder Robison]

Being a guy, I try to pee by the roadside whenever possible to avoid the pitfalls you describe.

best wishes
John

[A.S. King]

Do you know I've never used one of those seat-cover-tissue-things? I'm a squatter from way back. I like to think of it as en route exercise for my quads...

Great excerpt!

Amy

[Lauren Baratz-Logsted]

I love Jessica's writing!

[Jennifer Jefferson]

Funny stuff! But you forgot the part when after all that toilet tissue trauma, you desperately want to wash your hands and the sink doesn't work!

Jennifer

[Laura Benedict]

And what's worse, I heard on NPR's Dr. Zorba Paster's show that putting paper on the toilet seat doesn't protect you from anything! But he also said you can't get crabs from one. That made me feel better.

Funny stuff, indeed!