Dear Reader Column 08-24-06

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Dear Reader,

Fear comes over me a lot easier than it used to. Maybe it's because I've been around for awhile, been down too many roads, know too much, and experienced too many things--had a loved one die in my arms. It changes you.

I never used to give things a second thought. If I got an idea and thought it was worth pursuing, I did. There wasn't any consideration for how it would change my life or that I might not succeed. It might not have been the best approach to take, but it was my style and I was comfortable with it. But lately my style has changed. I seem to be more cautious. Looking in from the outside, you'd think a more cautious attitude might bring me a sense of security--but it hasn't. Instead it's made me more uncomfortable with myself and taken away a lot of my joy.

My husband and I go for a walk every day and as we're strolling through the neighborhood, it's not unusual for us to start brainstorming about new ideas. Back and forth, his idea, my idea--we've done it for years. It's always been "play" for us. But the other day when my husband started talking about a new business idea, I noticed that listening to him was making me uncomfortable--actually quite irritated. I could hardly wait for him to pause, so I could blurt out a list of reasons about why his idea was dumb and we certainly didn't want to do it. But that's not the way we've always played the brainstorming game. So what was up with me? And in the midst of trying to figure out why I wasn't willing to entertain new ideas, even just for fun, I realized that fear was the problem.

Okay, so what exactly was I afraid of and why was this fear showing up all of a sudden? I wasn't sure. Maybe I was afraid to entertain any new ideas just in case one of them became a reality. But that never used to stop me. Sorting and sifting through different ways of looking at things, it's always been part of the joy in my life.

Sometimes recognizing that I'm afraid of something, even if I can't figure out why, is enough for me to conquer the fear. And thankfully that's what happened. When my husband and I went for our morning walk yesterday, we were both enjoying playing the brainstorming game again.

Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.

Suzanne Beecher
Suzanne@DearReader.com
http://www.DearReader.com

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Comments

[Colj]

Suzanne,
I'm new to your book group, and must say that i enjoy it very much.

I was especially moved by your blog article on 8/24/06, regarding fear.

This past 4.5 months have been the hardest time of my 42 years of life. My husband was arrested on a false accusation, (which have yet to be filed by the DA, so he can't even defend himself yet) forced to move out of our home, our children were taken from us (they've since been returned to my care). But i'm still expected to carry on like i'm in control. I have to deal with social workers showing up unannounced, and unwelcomed; a household income that has been severed by a third, and the lonliness that comes with not having your partner of 20 years by your side when you need him.

I used to define fear by how fast my heart raced after seeing a scary movie; now i define fear by how fast my heart races when i hear my kids missing their father, or the bill collectors calling looking for their share of the pie; or when i realize that the extra person in my bed is my daughter, not my soul mate. Fear for me is especially defined when i see my husbands face, looking lonely and scared.