Companies are going to have to stop introducing new grooming products into the market, because I've got to ease up on my daily primping ritual. There just aren't enough hours in the day.
My manicurist tells me to oil my cuticles every night and to carry a bottle of lotion, so whenever I get my hands wet, I can reapply. My dental hygienist complimented me on my teeth, but then added, "Have you ever thought about whitening them?" Floss, brush, paint my fingernails and toenails, shave my legs, visit the hairdresser once a week for a wash and blow dry, and every third week I sit in the chair for two hours while my roots are processing. (Yes, I'm really a brunette.) My doctor's got me taking a "stand-up" pill every Saturday morning (Well that's what I lovingly call it, because after I swallow it, I have to stand up for at least 30 minutes. I'm hoping it will help me tell better jokes.) My eyebrows need to be shaped every few weeks, a facial every couple of months, apply makeup in the morning, take it off at night, walk over two miles a day with ankle and arm weights, spend 10 minutes a day with Denise Austin's ab tape, and write a daily column. I've gotta tell you, my schedule's getting pretty cramped. And now--I've got hair growing where there shouldn't be any.
There are three hairs that insist on growing on my right big toe. I'm unfamiliar with hair protocol, but for the last 63 years my big toe has been hairless and I'd just as soon keep it that way. I yanked them out. Ouch! But they showed up again three weeks later, which got me to thinking about hair in general. Why does some of my hair keep growing and other hair--like the hair on my arm stop? I mean, it must decide to call it quits at some point, or we'd all be walking around with arm hair dragging on the floor. Oh well, that's probably more than you and I want to find out about hair. In the meantime, if a company starts selling "Big Toe Shaving Cream" I guess I'll have to add it to my collection.
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