Dear Reader Column 12-02-09

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Dear Reader,

The things I do and say to my daughter, I must remember the reason she sees them as uncaring and unloving, is because she's an alcoholic. My daughter may not have had a drink, or used any drugs for two months now, but the ways and thoughts of an addict are still with her.

When she is healthy and works her way out of the fog, when she can move about with ease without being under the thumb of alcohol and drugs, then she will understand my words and actions. And if that day never comes, I will know that I've given her the best love a mother can give, I've said no when she needed to hear it. I've held the line even though my heart is breaking.

I remember getting an email from a reader when I featured the book, The Soloist in my column. The reader commented on the book and about how much she enjoyed reading at the book club, and then with what seemed like the ease of telling me what she had for lunch yesterday, she told me about her son. He's a homeless man, who she sometimes sees sleeping on the street, when she goes to the market. The mother cannot "do" for her son, there's more behind the scenes than it appears.

And obviously today, as I "casually" write about my daughter, I realize there was nothing casual about the reader's words that day. How could she tell me the story about her son? It seemed unnatural, embarrassing, and I didn't know what to do with my own feelings when I read her email. How can a mother work such a story into an email? Because talking about it out loud, or writing about it helps a mother survive--and helps ease a mother's broken heart. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.

Gratefully,
Suzanne Beecher
Suzanne@DearReader.com
http://www.DearReader.com

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Comments

[M. Dawley]

You are doing us all such a service by writing about your daughter and your feelings. Too many people feel so alone and so guilty in dealing with addictions and other consuming problems in their families. Knowing we are not alone helps us to keep on keeping on.

[Jan]

I can identify with you on this, Suzanne, as I'm sure a great many people will also. Your daughter will be in my prayers, as will you and the rest of your family.

[Barbara Geach]

There is a wonderful group out there called Al-anon. It is for the families and friends of alcoholics. There may be a group in your neighborhood or you can join on line. I learned to accept my son's choice to be homeless (caused by adiction) through this organization. I learned that I could still love him but I couldn't "Fix" him - he had to fix himself. Sometimes life is hard, hard, hard. I wish you well.

[Dolores]

Dear Suzanne,
As a mother, both stories brought tears to my eyes. Being a mother is so hard - especially when there is nothing you can do to help. Another mother I know is going through her the slow death of her son by cancer.
Bless you.

[Charlotte Waller]

I also grew up with an alcoholic father. He got sober when I was 12. I have an addict brother and 2 addict nephews. Fortunatly my son is not but my heart goes out to you. The worst part of my childhood however was my mother's anger at my father and his drinking. She took it out on us kids and abused us often. Me being the oldest I took the brunt of her physical and emotional abuse. Now she is old and depends on me a great deal. I try to be forgiving but it is hard to care for a mother who did such a poor job of caring for me! thanks for sharing and allowing me to comment. PS I am now a therapist who specializes in addictions.

[Nancy Newman]

Suzanne-
what courage, my mother suffers so very much because her daughter, my sister, is an addict. My mother has terrible panic attacks over the thought that my sister will die. We all suffer and pray for a miracle, and wait for it to happen. Let Go, and let God. thank you again Nancy Newman

[sue]

I have seen alcohol ruin many families, all because of abusive behaviors. Its one curse that goes from one generation to the next and many times is enabled because no one wants to listen! If we would just listen and allow others to also speak maybe people would not be compelled to go to a bar where many Bar tenders alway listen. the worst thing about alcohol is people believe the lies about it, that it makes one feel carefree. drinking starts because it frees up the pent up emotions, but it also causes much damage because of them. No one trust a drunk! Like any addiction it first starts by "trying it"! Then enslaves you to it! Drugs and alcohol make many promises but dont deliver any. It destroys lives, enslaves or imprisons those who surround you and yourself! It gives shame and pain to all who know try it! It gives false sense of good feelings and can make you an abuser! You would think a hangover would stop many people from participating from getting drunk, but sometimes I feel its the actual hangover people look forward to because then people feel sorry for their pain and pity you when you do have one! Pathetic! Having had a Father who was an alcoholic I could never understand how a nice person would want to turn into a monster. Why do people get drunk? It sure is not to hide their true emotions of anger and monstroscities? Alcohol ascerbates them. Your not what you desire to be are you? To me all it did was take my father away from me. He used to be a very caring person but when he drank alcohol, he truly became a Monster. He died because of alcohol too! He had a massive heart attack due to the alcohol that poisoned him! It all happened because a girlfriend invited him to a Christmas/ New years eve party. he drank himself to death and becasue he was drunk, he did not even feel his heart burst. He had a massive heart attack and it was because he got so drunk, that he ignore the warning signs. He did not have a chance to survive. He died Dec 31, New year's eve . Its why I wont drink nor celebrate New Years Eve! He left me to take care of my 10 siblings, because my mother left us. It was because of that I almost did not ever get married too! We were left without a caretaker. And at 17 I was forced to take care of my younger siblings! all were placed in separate homes until my Mother, who was a poor mother, was located. (she neglected us due to her own illness and we were taken from her years before). She was given all my younger siblings because I almost died taking care of them. Itw as overwhelming for me and I got sick. Alcohol destroyed my family! So I know what it did to us. And in 1979 a drunk almost took my life away because he was incapacitated and drove thru a stop sign. If anyone is mad at drunks, its me! I just wish I had a more normal life , all my life. Its why I made it one of my strongest choices not to ever start drinking! Nor marry a drunk! But it does not stop the curse or the cycle. Becasue of ti, I am a vicyim and many times you fall into the same cycle of shame. My one daughter and son both drink because they saw their own Father get drunk ONCE! Thast all itv took! We were at a family reunion where alcohol was consumed. They were encouarged to drink by someone else! Its one behavior if you see others do it or a relative, and if you dont drink they make fun of you! Father or relative it doe snto amtetr, if a child is elad to believe it is not harmful, they may try it and see, and get hooked! You may find that you have no control over what others iniated in yoru childs life and entice them to try it and also get hooked, because they have that weakness in them and you cant prevent it. Only YOU can control YOUR own behavior, not someone else. And not knowing how cruel it can be you taste and see and are decieved by alcohol and it is why so many are decievd becasue to them it atste good, and if anything is good to them, they indulge. Its all about choices, and that first drink is how you get decieved and it catches you unaware and once you try it and it gets into you and you dont realize it, its poison to you, and your soul has been devoured by its deadly deceptions and enticements! It slowly kills you and you don't know until its too late! LIke a anything else it slowly mesmerizes you to the point that you dont see the harm until after it has harmed you, and your dead! One way or another Alcohol kills! Kills relationships, lives, and whole nations! I saw America go from a very sober Country to a very noxious Nation all because they saw no harm in alcohol! many are bent on destroying themselves by first numbing their minds with alcohol. Then when theya re drunk they ahev no control over their behavior and hurt who ever gets in their way! Alcohol destroys the person and lives around that person! I have seen it and so many times, ist why I call it a curse to anyone who drinks! Its that first drink that gets you! Its too late when you take that first drink!

[susana]

Today my brother Clifford would have been have been 45 if a Drunk did not run him over and kill him when he was 16.