Dear Reader Column 01-03-08

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Dear Reader,

Last year my New Year's Resolution was to look for the "funny" in things--this year I'm working on a self-improvement resolution. I realized the other day that I spend way too much time worrying about how other people feel. The ability to pick up on other people's feelings--it's always been a trait of mine that I admire and it comes in handy as a writer. But everybody else's feelings are beginning to interfere with my own.

Gee, it seems like she's in a bad mood. She didn't sound very friendly on the phone.

He seems upset. I wonder if I said something to make him angry. Or maybe he's just in a bad mood and it doesn't have anything to do with me?

I analyze every little word or gesture to death. Is she, isn't she? Let the guessing game begin and in the midst of the guessing game, the hours in my day waste away. And if I finally ask, "Are you upset about something?" Even if the answer is 'no,' I start analyzing the 'no.' Maybe she's just saying that, or maybe she doesn't want to tell me the real reason, or here's another maybe to consider Suzanne, maybe she's beginning to think you're mentally unbalanced and a pain-in-the-butt, because you keep asking her how she feels...and maybe she's right.

Okay so I'm exaggerating a bit. (At least I hope I am.) But the truth is, I do think I spend too much time inquiring about other people's thoughts and feelings. So beginning today, I'll refrain from asking and analyzing--well at least as much.

On second thought, perhaps I should ease into this New Year's Resolution. Maybe I should only refrain from "asking" on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but continue to check-in on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a while. And the weekends? I should probably keep them open, too, until I see how this new resolution thing all shakes out. After all I wouldn't want my friends to think I'm not concerned about them anymore.

Hmm, what day is today? My friend Linda did sound a little down this morning.

Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.

Suzanne Beecher
Suzanne@DearReader.com
http://www.DearReader.com

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Comments

[Jonathan L. Mallard]

Suzanne:
Maybe I should only refrain from "asking" on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays, but continue to check-in on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a while. And the weekends? I should probably keep them open, too, until I see how this new resolution thing all shakes out.

Note to self: Only have dealings with Suzanne on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

[Blanche]

This is my first time around with the online reading group...should be interesting...Susanne...don't beat yourself up...we all do what you do with analyzing folks and their words and how they say them...I just say...Let it be, there are many more important things in the world to spend this wonderful gift and energy on...Have a great week.

[Deb]

As Mr. Mallard says, we all do it. BUT, I learned that it's not only the relationship between myself and the person whose actions I am analyzing, but often the relationship between that person and someone of whom I'm not even aware that influences their particular actions and reactions.
I worked with a woman who found fault with everything that everyone else did; who constantly espoused her own expertise (often when there was none) and "connections". It was very aggravating! No one wanted to work with her on any projects and she was often the subject of intra-office gossip and complaints.
Her husband was the service tech for some of our office equipment. I was knowledgeable about home-computing systems and he asked me to come over and perform some maintenance on their PC.
The three of us were sitting in their home office and she was trying to show me the problem. He stood over her shoulder and criticized her every keystroke.
What an eye-opening experience! I realized that the characteristics that we found so annoying were really her own attempts to bolster her self-confidence and boost her self-esteem.
When someone says something to me that seems hurtful or insensitive, I remember my former co-worker and remind myself that I don't know what someone may have said to them just before our encounter. It may not be me about whom she is expressing her anger; I may just be a convenient target.
If I don't immediately see that I am responsible for another person's anger, I try to say a quick prayer for BOTH of us, that we can find peace and put the incident behind us.

[Deb]

Thanks, Suzanne, for being such an open and honest friend! Happy New Year, everyone!

[Gerri]

Suzanne,
You are a gift that keeps on giving! Thanks for being so open and sharing - it certainly helps those of us who have those same feelings but are too afraid to express them because "we worry about what other's will think":-)
As my dear mother would say when I was young "What will they say?" I'm well into middle age now and I still haven't figured out who "they" were.

[Annonymous]

Dear Suzanne,

I also think I am just articulating what others think or want to share but don't have the nerve, thinking they appreciate my taking the time to share and encourage them to do the same, since I enjoy people and writing about all our aspects, experiences and especially our inner processes - perceptions, memories, spiritual lives, sharing, daily joys and frustrations, etc., thinking it helps people to more positively connect with and understand one another better. What a dope I am, huh? Just because I like and care about others, like to connect the "inner positive" dots among us, and articulate our inner thoughts and feelings, especially my own as to what I think are common among us, doesn't mean it is a mutual passion, or that they want to share theirs in return, whether to verify that I have guessed or expressed theirs correctly, or to deny same. Just when I am purring with good feelings about being connected to others as their good friend and mutual therapist by articulating our similarities and differences, I am abruptly and regularly interrupted by the sound of their dead silence on the other end of the email. It hits me that maybe they are not as "into" it as I am, or as interested in sharing/ articulating (some only perceive it as "spilling") some of the contents of their inner lives. "Getting on the same wavelength" is not their favorite thing at all; indeed, they prefer to feel and perceive themselves as totally independent and out of the range of connectedness to others, at least to me, when I am perceived by them as "prying" into their box of feelings, or connected to any degree to a corner of a theoretical collective conscious or unconscious realm!! They in fact, as I surmise, do not want to read my, or their own thoughts in print, in any form.
So I snap out of the comfort zone of my own inner world that I thought we happily shared, surely at least at some important junctures, and face reality - I am on my own in this activity at which I spend a few hours a day. I could just be wasting a lot of important time that I could be actually interacting with people instead of reflecting about them, but who has time for that?

Hello?

[Joel]

Hi Suzanne,

It's my first time reading your column and I can relate to your piece very well... introspectively and as a writer of topics in self-inquiry. It is helpful to ask and gain a wealth of insightful replies from the group. I am known by anyone and everyone that knows me as being a bit oversensitive.

Figures that I work at the Library doing customer service... it shows me a pattern so conditioned and automatic for most of my life... the fake friendly smile that is not genuine but wanting to convey a pleasant courteous appearance, and to be agreeable. And when things between me and others (i.e. my supervisors at work, friends, family, people in general) are going just fine the thoughts come up like wildfire with a common theme... subconsciously whispered "what clumsy stupid or insensitive thing will I say or do next... it is a matter of time".

The moment the vibe between myself and others feels at all uncomfortable I am doing one of two things... projecting my nervousness, self-criticism, judgment and worried thoughts onto the other (and others) OR I am picking up too sensitively on that other person's negative emotion that has nothing at all to do with me... mistaking his/her stuff for my own.

I am learning through self-awareness and spiritually empowering practices/philosophies that self love is what ultimately matters and it all within. To liberate oneself from all this approval seeking is to finally discover the approval that is self love, and then that of others flows more easily and naturally.

"When you need pats on the back, particularly where your self-esteem is concerned, then you make everyone your judge".

[Monty]

Dear Suzanne,
I'd like to know if worrying about how others feel is caused by excessive caring, or excessive introspection? I used to do this "what is the other person ,thinking, doing, feeling, etc. ALL the time. I quit after a very wise counsellor told me, "It's not necessary for you to understand everything, or other people's thoughts and feelings." It seems like a simple concept, but for an inteeligent, highly intuitive, intensely curious personality it's very difficult. I spent a lot of time saying to myself, "It is not necessary for you to understand why they did that. Accept it as unknowable, and go on." That was many years ago, and the mantra has become ingrained into my psyche, and I do it automatically. Oddly enough, this attitude ticks off BOTH people who care too much, and the people who want attention regarding their various life crises. I only have so much emotional energy, and I like choose carefully where I spend it.

[Nina]

I love this column... and the Comments. It has been a while since I've read The Almost Perfect State by Don Marquis but immediately his first few pages come to mind: "...this series of papers does not welcome argument or discussion; we shall simply hurl our notions out in a dogmatic manner which will probably be very irritating to you,.. and run on. The reason for this is because we are so open-minded that if we listen to everyone else we shall constantly be convinced that we are wrong... or right and we shall never get our own scheme for the Perfect State outlined. If you leave us alone we will probably contradict ourselves a hundred times over so you will find us often agreeing with eachother. Give us enough rope and we'll hang ourself.. so we'll thank you for not hastening the inevitable." Don winds up with a recipe for Baked Beans.
I welcome discussion as an opportunity to detect how skilled we are at 'coming across'... or not!
I wonder what 'Deb' thinks 'Mr Mallard says we all do'? I love the simplicity of Jonathan's Note to Self reminding him of the best days to escape Suzanne's mood meter and simply be taken at face value... or did I miss something:)
Years ago I bought a small book titled How to get along with Difficult People... and gave it to my husband! Then I bought 10 more to distribute as occasions arise.
Spare me the silence of Gracious Accommodation that gradually separates. Speak Up, Let it Out instead of feeling 'parannoyed'. Like I say to Identity Thieves... if you can do better with my identity than I have, you're welcome to it, Maybe I can thieve it back with value added some day:)
How's everyone(else) doing so far with this resolution? especially Ann Onymous... methinks she doth protest too much:))
Reverse Voyeurism is alive and well.. and because for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction I agree with John Grogan's Marly that 'Being Bad is More Fun' because someone else is being Good.
Enjoy Don Marquis and Marly, Nina